Dealing with Homesickness June 19, 2010

So let’s talk a little bit about homesickness.

Homesickness can strike anyone at any age. In a nutshell, it’s missing home, so bad that sometimes you literally can make yourself sick. It can range in severity from feeling a little down on occassion, to a paralyzing saddness that prevents you from doing anything. Often it’s very much connected to fear. Fear that your loved ones won’t love you while you’re gone. Fear that when you get back your home won’t be home anymore. Fear that your relationships will be significantly less when you get back because you went away. And fear that is there simply because you are in an unfamiliar place.

Even when someone moves homesickness can happen. Often it goes away once the new place has been redefined as “home” — but there may be a small part that continues to insist that the other place is and will always be “home.”

Homesickness is tricky. On the surface, the solution seems simple … just go home. But that solution usually doesn’t solve homesickness, it just delays it until the person has to leave home again. And, let’s face it, most people have to redefine “home” at least once in their lives.

I’ve found that the best way to deal with homesickness is to ride it out. Like any other fear, it can feed on itself if left to its own devices. So here are a few tips to survive homesickness without actually going “home.”

1. Acknowledge that you’re homesick. It happens even to the best of us and it’s nothing to be ashamed about. By dragging the monster under the bed out in to the light, the monster loses the worst of its power and becomes defeatable.

2. Keep busy. If you keep your brain occupied, you won’t have time to miss home. As soon as you feel saddness coming on, do something engaging. Literally don’t give yourself the opportunity to think about home.

3. Wear yourself out. Bed time is brutal for the homesick. Because you’re trying to sleep, you have time to think about how much you miss home. So during the day, wear yourself out so that by the time it’s time for bed your body overrules your brain. You’ll wake up more rested, and a rested brain is a brain more capable of combating fear and enjoying life.

4. Find your joy. Note, I said joy. Not happiness. Happiness is circumstantial, and really when you’re homesick, circumstances are not condusive to happiness. I’m talking about joy. Joy doesn’t require everything to be right and bright in the world to be at peace and content. Appreciate what’s good right now. Seek out good. Acknowledge it. Fight for it. Hold on to the things that are beautiful around you right now. Recognize that yes, you will go home, or find home again. You not only have hope for later, but you can see and appreciate what’s good right now.

Disclaimer time: If you show any symptoms of depression, or think that you may be depressed above and beyond a simple case of homesickness, please go see a professional.

Homesickness and Kids

Now something else to keep in mind when it comes to homesickness is that while it can hit at any age, kids bounce way better than adults.

Normally, homesickness is seen in individuals who go away from home the first time. MIL, in fact, is for the first time living somewhere new without a male relative to look to for authority. It’s a huge adjustment and not terribly shocking that she’s encountered homesickness. My first roomate in college and several other girls on my floor got extremely homesick — one lasted only 3 days in college — all living away from home for the very first time. As a camp counselor it was the kids who had never spent a night away from home who usually experienced homesickness. I’d even been to a few slumber parties where a girl would go home early because she couldn’t handle being away from home.

So parents, here’s my recommendation:

1a. Give your kids the opportunity to sleep away from home at an early age. The younger they are, the easier time they have coping with it.

1b. When you leave, leave quickly and smile. If you’re all teary and act scared, they’ll take the cue that there is something very wrong and will be afraid. Even campers (ages 7-15) would take that cue from their parents. I dreaded long teary good-byes from moms and dads. It meant long teary nights and days for me. If those parents had smiled and left quickly, allowing no hint of their own angst, their kids might have had  5 or 6 good days instead of 2 or 3.

2. Even if the first experience was a disaster, try again (especially if it was a disaster). Practice makes perfect. For all you know, even by the second sleep over, they might be totally over it. What trying again accomplishes is that your kid will already have a reunion in their arsenal to comfort them. Every additional reunion reassures them that you do love them, and that you do come back.

Now, please understand that I’m not talking about month-long trips to camp here. (That is, from personal experience, a distaster waiting to happen.) Here’s a good progression:

First trip: A day with grandma/aunt/trusted relative. Someone the child already knows and trusts.

Second trip: Overnight with that same relative.

Third trip: 2 or 3 nights (a weekend) with that relative.

Fourth trip: Overnight or two with a different friend or relative.

Fifth trip: Sleepover with friends.

Sixth: A week at a sleep-over camp…

And so on.

Keep in mind, that this progression can take years. Little Z has already spent a long weekend with my parents. We began early (about a couple of months old) with day trips out of both necessity to work and the desire to condition her to understand that mommy and daddy will come back.

3. When you do pick them up, show interest and be excited about what they did on their own. You want them feel good about exploring the world on their own. By being excited about what they do when you’re not around, you’re encouraging their independence.

Some people are just homebodies and are not thrilled about being away from home. There’s nothing wrong with that. It takes all types to make the world spin, so homesickness is never a reason to make fun of someone even if you think it’s harmless teasing. But even a homebody should know how to function away from home. It’s a fact of life, at some point most people are going to have to go away from home even for a short time. So learning how to cope is important, and IMO the earlier a person learns these skills the better.

Things I Wish I Could Have Said To My Campers’ (and College Roomates’) Parents

As a parent/guardian, you do know your child best… but be careful. If you yourself are a homebody, don’t assume that your child is. (And vice versa.) Give your child a chance, support them through the entire experience and mask your own fear.

The one big don’t is enable the homesickness. Simply put, if they call you crying, “Pick me up and take me home!” the answer should be “no.” Why? Because the only message you send is “Give in to your fear. Homesickness wins.” Beating homesickness after that point is an uphill battle, and time and age does not make it any easier, only harder and with homesickness reinforced, many times harder than it has to be.

So if your child calls up crying, wanting to go home, pull yourself together. No one enjoys seeing or hearing their child in misery. But you have to be strong for them. If you fall apart, it will not help anyone.

Then calm him or her down and try to pinpoint why he or she is homesick. It may not be possible to pinpoint the source of the homesickness, especially if they don’t know why themselves. Knowing why they’re homesick will help you direct the conversation, but be warned; Most often you can’t rationalize a person into not being afraid. The most important thing is to get them calm enough to string together a sentence.

Acknowledge and respect the fact that they are afraid and missing home. Your child needs to know that they have been heard. Even if the answer is “no” that “no” is easier to deal with if they can be certain that you at least acknowledge that they have a very real problem. Whatever you do, don’t make fun of them, call him or her a “baby” or try to tease them out of their fear. Don’t reinforce their fear either. “Oh honey, I know it’s really scarey to be soooo far away from mommy and daddy…” is also not a good thing to say.

What a good thing to say (calmly and without a hint of fear in your own voice) is, “I know you’re scared, and it’s okay to be scared. Grown-ups get scared too sometimes, and sometimes we miss home too.” In this you’re acknowledging and relating. Your sending the message that, “Your fear is real and I respect that.” and “You’re not alone in this.”

The next message you’ll need to send is: “I love you.” Really, it’s that simple. 9 times out of 10, that’s a huge part of the fear. They need to know that you love them. That this time away is not punishment. It’s a part of life and a growth experience. It’s because you love them that they’re somewhere else, and because you love them you’ll come back to pick them up … BUT … when the time is complete. That’s the next morning, the next week, the time that was decided upon before this trip began. No sooner and no later than that.

And they need to know that. It’s important that he or she understands that they need to complete the trip to the very best of their ability. It’s not easy. But it is necessary. You will do them no favors whatsoever if you don’t make them follow through and complete the trip.

Keep in touch. Especially in a sleep-over camp situation, overnight a care package with a note. In the note, let them know how very proud you are of them for sticking it out. Reinforce the desire you have for them to find their own joy by having as much fun as possible.

Reward the completion of the experience. When they get back, celebrate their return and reward them for making through a tough time. You want your kids to know that it’s a totally awesome thing to be able to make it through a difficult experience. By reinforcing their pride for having survived their fear, you strengthen their ability to make it through almost any difficult or scary situation.

What About Next Time?

So what about next time? You or your child just had the week or night from hell because of homesickness. Where to go from here?

With any luck, you toughed it out. It makes next time easier. But even if you didn’t make it all the way through, this is what I would recommend for the next steps.

1. Absolutely go away from home again. Practice makes perfect. To resolve to never step foot away from home again is not healthy.

2. Plan a less intense trip and work your way up. Even if it’s overnight this can be done. Stay with a close friend or relative for just one night. Instead of a week, try a weekend situation. Instead of a camp several hours away from home, try a cam that’s a little closer. Then as each trip is completed, step it up by small degrees, as you or your child is able to function despite missing home.

3. Talk about it. Talk about the activities, when the trip begins and when it ends. Talk about how to cope with homesickness. What worked? What didn’t work? What haven’t we tried yet. Drag the homesickness monster out into the light and take away its power.

4. Plan a reward. How will you celebrate a successful trip? It gives you and your child something to look forward to even if everything else is totally bleak.

5. Plan to be busy. Go ahead and stuff the itinerary. But don’t put pressure on you or your child to complete all of it. The goal is to stay busy and be exhausted at bedtime. No more and no less.

6. Know when to stop. Seriously, not everyone is cut out to be a road warrior or adventurer. Some people absolutely love that stuff (I’m one of them). But not everyone is, and not everyone has to be. Once you or your child has reached a point that they can function when on their own and has developed enough coping skills, give it a rest and let them stay home. Every now and again, go away for a night or two (especially for young adults who may be facing college soon) to dust off the coping skills. But don’t try to turn yourself or your child into someone thet are not.

Some Final Thoughts on the Subject

Homesickness isn’t easy for anyone, and it is heartbreaking both to see and experience. But it’s another one of those things that is counterintuitive and difficult to deal with. But please remember that kids are way more resilient than you think. 90% of the kids that I had as a camp counselor — and kids that were my fellow campers — were over homesickness (or coping very well with it) about 2 or 3 days in. Some even figured out how to milk it for sympanthy and attention (and time in the nurses’ air-conditioned cabin). 5% figured out how to deal with it to the point where they were at least enjoying some of their first (and often last) camping experience. The other 5% were miserable all week, hating every minute of camp despite everyone’s best efforts.

That last 5% are a rare sort, but even they manage to survive with no lasting damage. I have an aunt in that 5% who swears that camping is really another circle of hell. She has nothing good to say about it, but she has managed to figure out how to survive away from home even if she is unhappy about it. (And I know that my grandmother did not pick her up early.)

So good luck if that’s something you’re dealing with. And I promise, we’re not doomed yet. 🙂